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| "Maybe part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning to take real responsibility for your actions. Maybe part of growing up is about learning to do things that you aren't naturally comfortable with doing. Perhaps listening to your logic, listening to that voice inside you to not give into your emotional urges and learning to respect yourself and not do things that you know will be harmful to yourself."
This was an extremely powerful concept that I think I am finally starting to really understand. My therapist said this to me the other day. I would have never thought that I would be the type of person that would start sentences off with "My therapist said...".
Anyone who really knows me will tell you that I am a person that thinks with his emotions. I am a feeler, I am not very good at focusing in on the logical aspects of life, I am not good in living in the present and taking things one day at a time. I am a dreamer, and a drifter. I think about what I want to achieve and what mistakes I have made in the past. I think about great memories from my youth that I wish I could relive again and find myself drifting between what once was and what will be. On some level, I think that I am able to connect and understand people very quickly, I can almost sense where people are coming from.
But I think that I have really had enough. I am tired of this. And I have come to the realization that to achieve a state of peace, a place of comfort with yourself, you really need to learn to let go of it all first. I find myself lately, filled with so much hurt and anger. I am angry at myself and those who have hurt me. I resent them, I resent everything that I don't have and other people do, I am hurt by peoples actions and insensitivity. There are some people that i wish i had just never even met. But this is where I need to lean to let go. So here it is. I forgive you for hurting me, and angering me. I forgive you for all your actions, lies and insensitivity. I forgive you for everything that you did, and I hope that you find whatever it is that you are looking for. I am letting it go, all of it. I am letting go of the anger, the hate and the hurt.
I am just, letting it go. | | |
| When did life get so difficult?
I think back to the past 2 months in my life, everything that has happened, everything that i've felt, things that I've learned and places where I am going.
In one month I got another glimpse of the life that I could have. But once again, i feel like fate is teasing me. Why is it that I always get a taste of something that could be so amazing only to have it be taken away. I had drinks with J yesterday and we talked about some of our issues. I think it's so ironic that out of all my friends and people that I know, they would probably tell you that I am the person who most idealizes love, who searches for it, who want's to have that aspect of my life to be developed the most. Those are where my priorities are. Some people have their career or goals at the top. I'm not saying that I don't value that part of my life, but in all honesty love is at the top of mine.
I've never ever been in love. Not even close. I feel that I am at a point in my life where I am willing to make a serious effort in committing to someone if it's a good fit. I met someone who seemed to fit the bill but alas, the timing was wrong once again. We are at different stages in our lives and he did not live in the same city as me to begin with and would be moving shortly to another country within the year.
Fast forward to now. On a whim I applied for a job to the city, and I got it. So where does my life take me now? It's an amazing opportunity within the Public Affairs Bureau for the Government but at the same time I can't help but think how fate could be so caring and cruel, all at once.
I just feel like I've been down this road so many times. I am 24 years old and have never been in a serious relationship to date and that is starting to really worry me. All these thoughts in my mind float around and I am not able to control them. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just not date-able? Do I give off a strange vibe? Am I wanting to commit to early?
I go through ups and downs daily. One minute I can see clearly and realize that I just have to have faith in life. Things happen for a reason so maybe the reason why I met him was to bring me to this job. But the next minute I sulk in my own misery and for see a future of infinite loneliness and sorrow. I'm just so tired of all this. I really am.
I guess I should be excited about this New Chapter in my life. There was Chapter 1 - my life in Vancouver. Chapter 2 - moving to Toronto. Chapter 3 - coming back home and dealing with the death of my dad. And now I'm moving into Chapter 4 - moving to Victoria.
Do you ever start a book and just skip to the end to see how everything turns out? Thats kind of how I feel right now. I just want to know what happens. Because as I continue to learn about myself, I realize how hard it is for me to deal with these emotional hiccups. I've come to understand that I am an extremely emotional and sensitive person. I live my life with my feelings and emotions and that is how I am able to connect the dots in my long journey. I've started to embrace it rather then hide it, I guess i've just come to realize how much harder it is going to be for me to deal with the many other obstacles that I have yet to face.
I just need a little direction. I wish there was a sign I could see, to tell me it will all be ok. | | |
| There is not much I can do at this point. I know that stressing over this is not really going to be beneficial in anyways because I've done everything I can, it is simply out of my control. I hope that I hear something soon. I worked really hard, I think I'm the best candidate, but in the end only time will tell.
I need to take the edge off. Fingers crossed... | | |
| View from the top.
When you read about celebrities in magazines, internet websites, hear about it on tv or radio, very few people are able to make a personal connection as to what exactly they go through. Because we are not comfortable with what we do not know, we automatically assume the role of the judger. We judge them for everything. She's a slut, he's an idiot, what was she thinking, why would she go out like that, How can she be ready to date again?
I have to admit. I am guilty of all those accusations.
Today I had the chance to be able to see things from a different light. My god mom passed away a week or so ago. I've always known that she was a big star in Hong Kong but it never registered with me the magnitude of her stardom. I went to her funeral today. It was pretty crazy. The front entrance to the funeral home was bombarded with about 30 paparazzi. In order to get in to the premise, you needed to have the verification card. We had to go through 3 sets of stops before we reached the building and with 30 police officers standing and guarding every corner of the area. Fans were lined up and swarmed outside with flowers in the rain.
inside I saw about a dozen hong kong celebrities and personalities. Also in attendance was a representative from the Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper, A rep from the federal gov, provincial gov and the mayor of Vancouver. The entire event was being filmed to be broadcasted at a stadium back in hong kong, where fans had a chance to morn together. I was a bit caught off guard. I never really knew about any of this. To me she was my Fei aunty. The one that picked me up and took me out to eat. The one who'd buy me clothes when we went shopping together.
I cried during the funeral. I felt really bad for Joyce. Having lost my father already, I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to lose her. She is estranged from her father already, she is 20 and all alone in this world. When I exited the building and dropped her off to her car, I was swarmed with about 30 paparazzi. It was insane. And thats when it hit me.
I hadn't seen Joyce in about 5-8 years. I am not someone in her life, but if these pictures were to be published, then the public could think what ever they want. Just because she was seen and pictured with me, someone who is not a part of her life by any means, that story is now in the hands of the public. i could be the new boyfriend, or the one who she is having an alleged affair with...or a hook up from the funeral. Whatever. The point is, I now understand how untrue some of these stories about other celebrities could be.
Just because jennifer anniston is pictured with a guy does not mean she is dating him. He too could be a highschool friend that she hasn't seen for 10 years, who just so happend to be in a picture with her.
RIP auntie Mo.
Looking back, I realize what a grand and vivacious lady you were. I realized what a kind and generous human you were. Few will be able to live up to the legacy that you leave behind.
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| it's 1:04am on a monday night and I can't get myself to sleep. Work beckons at 7am. Maybe writing can put me to bed.
I just spent the last hour in my room going through my closet and trying on different outfits. How fuckin homo have i gotten? My mom is adorable. She told me to take pictures of myself so i don't forget which outfits look the best...I guess it makes sense. I mean anyone who's been in my closet knows what I have to deal with, there is alot of green in that jungle.
I hooked up on sunday. It's been a long time. Sex eventually loses all forms of intimacy and beauty as we get older. There used to be something so pure and white about it. The thought of connecting with another human being. The thought of letting our bodies act on lust and impulse in an effort to try and communicate this sort of feeling locked inside of us. In my mind, sex was always idealized as a language. But ofcourse, like any other language if you don't practice it eventually it starts to sound broken up and nothing seems to make sense.
he was about 6-2, 180 pounds, amazing body, huge coooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaboodle. And for some reason, it just wasn't good. i thought at first that maybe i was rusty? kisses were ok, everything was ok, not bad, but ok. I thought I could be content with ok. But ok didnt seem good enough. I ended up falling asleep only to be woken up by him again. So i tried really hard to finish *and believe me i have not tried that hard since my IB exams* and i did.
He was a pleasant and nice guy. Somehow my clothes had ended up in opposing corners of the room. I dressed and I gave him a kiss and walked out the door.
It just wasn't there. What if i've lost it? Has anyone seen my mojo?
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